Our Long Eaton correspondent recently inquired “What is a sea magnet?” –  if I’d been thinking a bit more quickly, I’d have said “It’s like a fridge magnet, except you stick it to the sea, not your fridge“. But I didn’t, so there we are. Anyway, my new sea magnet wot I won on eBay arrived this morning, and here it is. As you can see, it’s manfully rescuing a bunch of keys from the living room carpet, so it should be perfectly capable of dredging up tools, gold doubloons etc from the sea, or from the bottom of the Earwash Canal*.
Guess what happened after I blogged last night? I had a text message on my shiny new mobile, saying “From Vodafone: Your new mobile is now in stock and will be with you in a couple of days“.  I hope to goodness that’s just a duplicate of Thursday’s, or I can see a kind of Sorcerer’s Apprentice scenario developing, with an endless line of Business Post vans outside the house, delivering an endless number of increasingly high-spec mobile phones. The neighbours will start to complain that the vans are blocking the road, and I’ll have to build a bigger garden shed to accomodate the phones that have arrived that I haven’t yet managed to sell on eBay. Of course, a shed full of mobile phones is a high security risk, so then the neighbours will start complaining about the barbed wire fence, the floodlights and the guard dog patrols. I’ll have to take on an assistant to help me move all this stuff about.
Before long, the council will be round, wanting to know why I’m running a business in an area zoned for residential only. I’ll be forced to move, to the delight of the neighbours who will at last be able to park outside their own houses, and of course my new home will have to be in the middle of an industrial estate, because of the constant stream of delivery vans, which will now be arriving around the clock, seven days a week. I’ll have to take on yet more staff, build a bigger car park, start a pension fund and a social club – the list is endless.
I wonder if my staff will accept payment in surplus mobile phones?
*Tee hee. That’ll wind her up.

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