Train Humour

I’ve commented before about the sense of humour shown in Virgin Trains’ on-board announcements: This morning I heard the South West Trains version.

It started when, just after leaving Southampton Airport station, we came to a juddering halt.
“Ladies and gentlemen we do apologise for the delay, this is due to the Police being called to an incident on the train”


After an impossibly short delay we started again, and carried on to the next scheduled stop in Winchester.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be on our way soon, we have to wait for the Police from the airport to catch up with us”

There followed a couple of increasingly stressed-sounding announcements explaining that the Police had been called to remove an abusive and aggressive passenger from the train – it kinda reminded me of the old joke that means that whenever I see one of those road signs saying “POLICE SLOW”, I can’t help shouting “We know they are!!”. But that’s another story. The eventual departure of the boys in blue from the train was marked by an unusual amount of beeping from the ends of the carriages, followed by:
“Ladies and gentlemen the Police have now left us, so just to further spoil your day we’re now having door problems. It’s not my day”

I’d like, for comic effect, to say there were banging, crashing and hitting-things-with-hammers sound effects, but there weren’t: all that happened was some more beeping from the doors followed by the train lurching forward, and
“Ladies and gentlemen we’re now on our way, I’m sorry to tell you we’re running seventeen minutes late and our revised arrival time at Waterloo is…(long pause for mental arithmetic)…Eight thirty.
God willing”

We later found out – when the guard came through to check our tickets – that a passenger in the next coach had attacked someone who had the temerity to want to sit next to him. Sounds reasonable to me.

Comments are closed.